(Las canciones de 2016 en 5 palabras inglesas o menos) My Ranking of the 2016 songs: (in April, after the official album release and before the rehearsals, compiled with the help of Mr. Gerbear’s Eurovision 2016 Sorting Tool) 12 points: FRANCE (Amir "J'ai cherché"): Mais
oui! Oh la la!
10 points: SERBIA (Sanja Vučić ZAA "Goodbye
(Shelter)"): I'm infatuated with melodramatic Sanja!
1 point: FINLAND (Sandhja "Sing It Away"): Horse
Meat Disco time!
BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA (Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner and Jala "Ljubav je"): A very passionate Balkan chorus ALBANIA (Eneda Tarifa "Fairytale"): Bjork-esque underrated loveliness GERMANY (Jamie-Lee "Ghost"): Catchy and boring simultaneously. Puzzling. MONTENEGRO (Highway "The Real Thing"): I don't always love it ICELAND (Greta Salóme "Hear Them Calling"): Desperate copycat of past winners AUSTRALIA (Dami Im "Sound of Silence"): Stylish, well produced ethereal product UNITED KINGDOM (Joe & Jake "You're Not Alone"): Harmless anthem with pretty boys ARMENIA (Iveta Mukuchyan "LoveWave"): WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF CZECH REPUBLIC (Gabriela Gunčíková "I Stand"): Pretty but not meaty DENMARK (Lighthouse X "Soldiers of Love"): Boys are prettier than song IRELAND (Nicky Byrne "Sunlight"): Meh ISRAEL (Hovi Star "Made of Stars"): Forgettable. Earlier version was superior. HUNGARY (Freddie "Pioneer"): Handsome man with derivative song NORWAY (Agnete "Icebreaker"): Vulgar but strangely addictive RUSSIA (Sergey Lazarev "You Are the Only One"): Eurovision by numbers with muscle SAN MARINO (Serhat "I Didn't Know"): Every year there's a joker GREECE (Argo "Utopian Land"): Politically correct pseudo-ethnic mess CROATIA (Nina Kraljić "Lighthouse"): Boring irritating pseudo-Celtic number BULGARIA (Poli Genova "If Love Was a Crime"): Uninspiring novelty foolery POLAND (Michał Szpak "Color of Your Life"): Old fashioned but strangely compelling BELARUS (Ivan "Help You Fly"): Will he finally get naked? SLOVENIA (ManuElla "Blue and Red"): Decent chorus but unremarkable SWEDEN (Frans "If I Were Sorry"): He should be sorry indeed LATVIA (Justs "Heartbeat"): I don't get this one AZERBAIJAN (Samra "Miracle"): Pretty singer, so so song NETHERLANDS (Douwe Bob "Slow Down"): Representing the USA yet again ROMANIA (Ovidiu Anton "Moment of Silence"): Potential which hasn't been fulfilled MALTA (Ira Losco "Walk on Water"): An assault on good taste CYPRUS (Minus One "Alter Ego"): Rock schlager meets Britney. Horror. MOLDOVA (Lidia Isac "Falling Stars"): How does this go again? BELGIUM (Laura Tesoro "What's the Pressure"): Uplifting yet it annoys me SWITZERLAND (Rykka "The Last of Our Kind"): Excruciatingly irritating chorus; pain! AUSTRIA (Zoë "Loin d'ici"): Can only hear with earplugs
hate this one as it mixes two of the most irritating, formulaic and overrated
songs of recent years: Denmark 2010 and Spain 2012; the performers are good
16. Switzerland You and me Takasa
starts as though it is fun but then becomes too repetitive and lifeless
17. Romania It's my life Cezar
seen Cezar singing in front of me wearing very tight trousers so I know he's
not a castrato but he does falsetto very well; just a shame his electro-popera
song is very weak and boring, with very cheap lyrics
France L'enfer et moi
cabaret rock from France, with a pervy bent, that I feel I should love but I
can’t, even if I do appreciate Amandine’s “raw” talent
rip-off number 3; the most shameless of them all. From a relatively well-known
band, fronted by a woman with questionable dress sense. Boring.
sublime. A charismatic performer with stunning good looks and a gorgeous
expressive voice, singing a moving pop-rock ballad with beautiful meaningful
lyrics. What’s there not to like?
Contigo hasta el
contemporary but low-key pop-rock experiment from Spain, represented this year
by a band of posh hippies who bring a fresh cool look and a Northern Celtic
flavour… will the experiment work?
United Kingdom Believe in
me Bonnie Tyler
pop-rock legend with a competent catchy song that will bring to the UK
something they had long forgotten they could get: points. And a lot of them.